My experience in a queue

I have to share this with you. For all we know, you have experienced it to. Only that you don’t have a column like me. We all know that the Zimbabwe Electricity Supply Authority (ZESA) also know as, Zimbabwe Electricity Sometimes Available, the power utility, has had its fair share of bashing in the local media. But I feel that they sometimes bring it on themselves, the state of their bill payment halls being a case in point. To be more specific, Halco House is a farce. What I will detail below is a true story. Names have been excluded to protect the innocent (and the inconvenienced.)

Day One: Yours truly, being a conscientious citizen, decide to pay my electricity bill, even though I last received a bill in ninenteen- gocha nhembe (when dinasours still roamed the earth.) I calmly queue in front of the Enquiries Desk with a 200-page novel, well prepared for the long haul. Thirty minutes later (this queue was short) the kind gentleman behind the desk tells me that I have not been billed. So could I be a nice consumer and pay a million dollars (old currency) which he tells me is a guesstimate.

Looking at the long and winding payments queue, I decide to write a cheque as I normally do under such circumstances. Lo and behold I find the cheque box sealed. The security guard standing nearby politely advises that I join the queue and pay cash. Cheques are not being accepted because they might ‘bounce’ because of the currency revaluation. Seeing the prospect of spending the rest of my short life in the payments queue, I give up and head for work.

Day Two: I am pleasantly surprised by the short queue at the enquiries desk. There are just two of us there. This is going to be nice and quick, I sing to myself. The chap at the counter informs me that there is a ‘problem’ with my electricity account.

“Go round and join the Credit Control queue labelled BYO East,” he advises. I then discover why the enquiries queue is so short. It has reformed at Credit Control. For those of you who did not know, the Credit Control queue is composed mainly of sheepish looking people whose supplies have been disconnected for non-payment. The difference is that I am yet to be disconnected, which is why I want to find out how much I owe.

Remember, I have not received a bill since dinosaurs roamed the earth. The queue is visibly longer than the one at the ‘BYO’ West counter and is not moving an inch. The lady there is busy cleaning her keyboard. I assume she is the cleaner by the way she meticulously scrubs the computer. We later discover otherwise and that there is a ‘problem’ with her terminal. We are then shunted to another one and she promptly starts work.

Meanwhile, the BYO West queue has disappeared and the lady there is dutifully telling anyone who strays there that she deals only with the WEST. Our queue has grown much longer and soon I regret the folly of having moved from Gwabalanda to Parklands. After going through two customers, the ‘cleaning’ lady abruptly moves back to the first terminal which is now working after some tinkering by a very smart looking young man in glasses.

By then the bearded white fellow behind me has blown a couple of fuses. In fact, he is on the verge of inciting a riot. It also doe not help matters that an old white lady has cut the queue in the process. Apparently, he has been queuing since the day before and wonders aloud why there are no bills being sent out and why the computers don’t seem to work. Good questions those, but the rest of us are like new-born kittens.

It’s now my turn and the ‘cleaning lady’ informs me that I have a credit, meaning that ZESA owe me money instead! However, since bills are sure to materialise this century, I’m advised to pay an estimated amount. This, I am kindly warned, is the prudent thing to do because when the bills do eventually arrive and I am found wanting, I will surely be cut off. It’s a small victory for a small man like me to be owed money by a utility. I take a glance at the payments queue and I decide that I do not want to miss seeing my children grow into adulthood standing there.

This first appeared in the Sunday News column On The Lighter Side also at www.lenoxmhlanga.blogspot.com

So sorry for the silence

I have received some desperate e-mails - and some unflattering ones too - about my silence. Let me start by apologizing, which seems to be a very common African trait. I am velly solly! OK ? That's done it, satisfied? Now the explanation; so much has happened in the past month...Where should I begin?

Well, he country is still is a mess and those in charge haven't stopped screwing all and sundry. Sorry for the language bu I am afraid that is how the shitstem has got us to. Gono has changed the currency...again. It is now criminal to be found with lots of money. At least until the 21st of August. Then I suppose everything goes back to normal with the rich continuing to screw the poor.

My grandmother and aunt passed away in rapid succession in the last two weeks. That has knocked the steam out of my father who has had to shoulder most of the nitty gritties. I worry for him and wish he could sell a coulple of cows and take a well deserved holiday. My granny was 95 when she died. She possessed such a wicked sense of humour. I could sit for hours listening to her spiced up stories. Like the one about the witch hunter, Gawule, also known in other parts as Tsikamutanda. This character would be summoned by the Chief with the cooperation of the community in reaction to a spate of deaths or drought.

The roadshow would roll into the villages and soon witches, their apprentices and paraphenelia would be paraded before the amazed crowds. If a witch had left some of his tools behind, lets say, a snake or goblin or such like, he would told by Gawule to hamba thatha munye! (Go and collect the rest of your stuff.) Incredulous as it may sound, Gogo would make comic references to neighbours exposed with all sorts of witching gear some of which would make your hanir stand on end!

I will never forget Granny, on one of her excursion into the city to our home way back when I was a kid, and her funny references to what she saw on TV. She was convinced that the Weatherman was the chief cause of the droaught with all those little diagrams about low and high pressure gibberish. She also had a theory that the then Apartheid government was shooting at the rain clouds on their side of the border so that they would get the rain and we wouldn't.

I promise to contribute to this blog every week from now on in her memory. May her soul rest in peace. Lala kuhle ntomenhle yakoNkiwane, Mabhonzo, Mthengisi sizakukhumbula.

Chatunga for President!

Unforgivable! I have no excuse at all for abandoning you all. Fears were that Athlete's Foot or its more dreaded cousin (i-Ha!) had transported yours trully to comedian heaven. Fat chance. Hell is certainly here in Zimbabwe and who deserves it more than I? Straight 'A' student Fungai Machirori - yeah, the one who was arrested - jolted me out of slumber by asking me for the link to this blog. I was too embarrassed to confess to her that I had not uploaded anything for the last one and a half months!

It has a lot to do with the one-and-a-half times our Mickey Mouse salary windfall that had lulled us into a false sense of financial security. Well, I can inform you that the honeymoon is finally over. Our salaries came back to Mother Earth with a thunderous thud. And as if to rub it in, the brewers a Delta chose the moment to up the price of the holy waters by a whopping 175%! Murder!

Nevertheless, the end of the World Cup was capped by a classic from New Zimbabwe.com about a bet the president of a certain African-eh-country had with his son. Here goes:

IF Zinedine Zidane had kept his head, and if France had won the World Cup, Zimbabwe would be under a new President today, Chatunga Mugabe, the nine-year-old son of Robert Mugabe.

President Mugabe revealed he bet on the presidency with his son during the World Cup final, and luckily for him, or sadly for Zimbabwe, his Italy won in a penalty shoot-out.

Details of the bet, revealed by Mugabe to journalists recently, say if France had won, President Mugabe would have gone back to Hartman House Primary School where Chatunga is currently a third grader. (Mmmmm?)

Source: New Zimbabwe.com

By the way, Fungayi still owes us a juicy expose of our merry band of a@#$%&*#s!

My brush with Athlete's Foot, Ha!

So you were waiting for me to make another posting. I must say that this blogging business does get a bit tiresome or do I hear procrastination? Anyways, here is the deal. I was struck down, quite literally, by a severe attack of Athlete's Foot. For those not in the know, this has little to do with my Athletic prowess, having stopped playing social soccer eons ago. So how did I 'catch' this thing, which I am told is right next to STDs in terms of pain and irritation.

I did qualify myself there folks. I never did imply that I have ever suffred from what used to be called i-Ha during those heydays. It was well before the days of HIV when having a veneral diesease was like an act of bravery in the field of war. Guys used to parade their latest aquisition for all to see before running the gauntlet at the local clinic full of sadistic nurses.

Why was it called i-Ha you might ask? Well, during those days when we noticed the tell tale signs that a mate had it, like the staggered walk, grimacing and taking cover when going to pee, we would accost the victim and ask him how it felt like. The response would most likely be an exclamation that sounded something like a gutteral - Ha! Indicating that the pain was beyond explanation.

So much for inxeba lendoda (scar of the male - STD of course) to inxeba lenyawo (of the foot). Ha! that thing is painful I tell you! I was given the best of a whole week of sick by my good doctor and drinking mate Jabu also previously known during our univesrity days as Doctor Doctor! ( After a TV comedy of the same name) This had certainly nothing to do with the fact that we are experiencing the first pangs of the Southern Hemisphere winter.

I just couldn't move. I had sores all over my twinkle toes. So bad was it that I spent a grand total of Z$7 million on sandals and and prescriptions!!! No beer for the next two weeks it meant. With my limited movement, I was stumped. The wife was happy sort of. The bugger will stay put for once in his miserable life, or so she thought. I braved the odds, determined to get to town and work (after hours of course) you should have seen the stares I was attracting. It was as if they were saying...We know what you are suffering from, pervert! i-Ha!

Click on title for more information on Athlete's Foot

What's the hell about Dell?

They came in their twos and threes. The State media and spooks, I mean. They got what they wanted, enough material to spin a yarn. Dumisani Sibanda (see Chronicle Wednesday 4 May 2005) was at his gregarious best, turning a good story on its head, just to please his paymasters. "NUST students give Dell Hell?" My foot!

I must admit that I did not attend any of the events that were addressed by the US Ambassador to Zimbabwe, Christopher Dell but I can tel you this: a cursory glance at all the other publications, both print and online have a different story...that the ambassador did not mince his words and told it like it was.

A sample of choice quotes from the lecturer:

"Beyond the policy front, freedom of expression is also a crucial element in a functioning market economy on the microeconomic level. Investors, companies, and individuals cannot make informed economic decisions in their interest without free access to information."

"It is undeniable that Zimbabwe's economy is in a downward spiral unmatched by any other country not at war. Look behind nearly every economic dysfunction in this country ... and you will likely find some impediment to a free flow of information or the freedom to act on that information."

"If you rely on the state media, things aren't that bad. In fact, the outlook is rosy indeed and recovery is only months away. Read the dailies, listen to state radio, watch state television we are told the economy will grow by between 1-2 percent. I for one will watch with interest to see how this turnaround will be effected."

Now, looking at the Dumisani story and the subsequent puff piece in today's Chronicle editorial, one gets to appreciate how low part of our media has sunk. One hopes that the damage done to Zimbabwean press will be reversible. One does not help but feel sorry for the likes of Sibanda and his colleagues in the state media. Still very much underpaid but still singing for their supper.

Why are we complaining?

In Germany after the First World War, prices were doubling every 49 hours. Workers were paid daily or more often with bundles of cash, and would dash out to buy something before it grew more expensive. Someone could buy a bottle of wine, and the next morning the empty bottle could be sold for more than it had cost full. The largest denomination was a 100-billion mark bill, which would buy two postage stamps.

In Bolivia during the mid-eighties, inflation was at 25,000 per cent annually. The stack of money needed to buy a chocolate bar far outweighed the candy.

In Argentina in 1989, prices for some things would double overnight. Many restaurants and stores refused to accept credit cards, because the charges paid at the end of the month were worth much less than they were at the time of purchase.

In Yugoslavia, the rate of inflation was 5 quadrillion per cent between Oct 1, 1993 and Jan 24, 1994. (A quadrillion is a 16-digit number). At the time, it was against the law to refuse personal cheques. Some people wrote them, knowing that in the few days it took for the cheques to clear, inflation would wipe out as much as 90 per cent of the cost of covering the cheques.

We Zimbabweans are only at 680% and you we are complaining?

The Earthquake That Shook Zimbabwe

A massive earthquake that shook most of Southern Africa on 24 February 2005 was centered in Mozambique. It measured 7.5 on the Richter scale and surprisingly most Zimbabweans thought the quake was caused by thieves trying to break into their homes. However,seriously, this is what some of Zimbabwe's prominent people thought.

Gideon GONO (Central Bank Governor) - The quake was caused by the shifting of the poverty datum line.

Gift CHIMANIKIRE (Pro-Senate MDC Presidential hopeful) – The earthquake was caused by Arthur Mutambara (another MDC presidential hopeful eventually elected substantive leader of the faction)

Thomas MATIKITI (sci-fi freak) – An UFO landed on top of our house!

Joseph CHINOTIMBA (self-styled War vet) - Thi MDC thinks theyi can scared us, manje we as the war veterenzi we are going to do more earthikwekis bigger than theyazi!

Jonathan MOYO (Former Government spin doctor) - It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that this was the work of the opposition, bent on pleasing their colonial masters the British and the Americans. They want to tarnish the image of our country. Now let them be warned that we will not be intimidated and we are going ahead with the land reform programme.

Tafataona MAHOSO (Political commentator) - EARTHQUAKE?? What Earthquake? These are malicious allegations to discredit Zimbabwe ahead of the visit by the IMF.

Aenias CHIGWEDERE (Minister of Education Sport & Culture) - As you well know, we now set our own O'level and A'level exams after withdrawing from the British Cambridge University. We wanted our students to have first hand experience on some of the things they learn at school. Because of this happening, we will be hosting “The Earthquake Commemoration Gala” at Dulibadzimu Stadium in Beitbridge, and then there will also be an Earthquake Challenge Cup match at Rufaro Stadium between Dynamos & Highlanders to raise funds for the Earthquake Education Scholarships.

Archbishop Pius NCUBE (Catholic Archbishop of Bulawayo) - This is what we have been praying for all along. God is not happy with Robert Mugabe's continued abuse of power. Can you explain why this happened on the day of his 82nd birthday? The Gods are not happy even our Ancestors are surely not pleased.

Reverend Obediah MUSINDO (just another overzealous ZANU PF supporter) -Yes! We thank the Almighty God for President vedu, on his birthday. It will be remembered that there was an earthquake, which goes to show without doubt that he is chosen by God to run this country.

Ignatious CHOMBO (Minister of Local Government and Housing) - Yes we would like to thank those who were involved in the Earthquake, it shows their patriotism.

Moses CHUNGA (former Dynamos FC coach) – Ehhhhhhhhhh, I won’t comment, becoz ehhhhh, last time I comment my comments ehhhhhhhhh where regarded as myopic and they fired me!.

Francis NHEMA (Minister of Tourism) – Yes, Zimbabwe is most definitely a safe tourist destination, with many natural wonders. First it was the Solar Eclipse now the Earthquake. We would like to assure everyone who missed it that it will happen again same time next month, so they can start making their bookings.

DR ZOBHA (Mzekezeke wanna be)- Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Bridget, its very silly, you know, to think that Zimbabwe as a landlocked country can experience Earthquakes. Mncweeeeeeeeeeee, ndagona!

AND THE GREATEST ONE FROM THE BIG MAN HIMSELF UNCLE BOB - Regrettably, we continue to see the unfortunate and futile tendency to use methods in this area as reward for political compliance and malleability. We are now being coerced to accept and believe that a new political-cum-religious doctrine has arisen, namely that "There is but one political god, George W. Bush, and Tony Blair is his prophet". Even the so-called earthquakes will not stop us, or bring about regime change. Zimbabwe is sovereign country!

Philip CHIYANGWA (Flamboyant Businessman) - You see, these shoes I am wearing are so expensive that the day I first put them on they caused an earthquake. Just shows how much money I have.

Authored by an unknown Zimbabwean with a wicked sense of humour.

Comment: Passing off rubbish as news

THE state-run Chronicle newspaper ran a story under the headline: “Studio 7 linked to NUST demo,” suggesting that the Voice if America hosted radio station paid students to destroy property during a demonstration at the Bulawayo campus on Wednesday. The state newspaper, dare I say, is plumbing the depths of incredulity on this one. It’s just like saying that aliens have landed in Lobengula Street. (The full Chronicle article is republished below if not just for its entertainment value.)

One is reminded of a story the paper ran on 22 April 2002 claiming that the opposition Movement for Democratic Change (MDC) was planning to bomb landmark buildings in Bulawayo. The veracity of that story was subject to an embarrassing retraction late last year, a sad legacy of the demented brand of journalism nurtured by former Government spin doctor Jonathan Moyo at Zimpapers.

The story has all the hallmarks of having been being cooked then planted. The reason is open to speculation. The main issue here is of a newspaper that insults our intelligence with such kind of hogwash. Let us look at the demerits of the story. For one, none of the quoted sources are identified by name. Based as it is on mere speculation without a semblance of verification, the story should not have seen the light of day. Unless of course, the hand of the editor was forced.

The ‘Studio 7 employees based in the city’ are not identified either. Who are they? Shouldn’t they be arrested? Can we really expect Brian Chitembwe to follow up on his story? For a paper whose reputation for investigative journalism borders from zero to none, I wouldn’t place my bets on it. The paper also implies that students at NUST are so dumb that they have to be influenced by 'outside forces' for them to act on issues of their welfare. Such a claim can only be used to raise the stakes so as to justify the high-handedness with which the demo was suppressed by internal security.

While the destruction of property should be roundly condemned, the circumstances that led to that unfortunate incident should be a matter requiring full investigation. One cannot rule out provocation or the mishandling of an otherwise routine event on the University’s calendar. Demonstrations at NUST are an annual ritual and students usually disperse peacefully after being addressed by the authorities. This time around, they were denied that opportunity for reasons that are yet to be revealed.

An independent inquiry should examine all aspects if not to allay any fears or suspicions among those involved. That includes the claim that most of those arrested were ‘soft targets,’ minding their own business when caught up in the melee. Or claims that are yet to be substantiated, that students were merely a Trojan horse for militant colleagues who came in from the University of Zimbabwe in Harare to foment trouble. Such an inquiry would also emphasise the need for a comprehensive crisis plan for the university.

And to claim that a nameless opposition party could also have been behind the disturbances! Come on! We have heard that one played before and is so out of tune. That story was certainly not headline material if you ask me. In fact, it should not have been published at all. Those assertions are baseless until verified and substantiated. You can not take hearsay and publish it as authentic testimony. Any journalist with elementary training should tell you that.

Dr Thomas Muller, a British physician got it right when he said, “Get the facts, or the facts will get you. And when you get them, get them right, or they will get you wrong.” But then who at the Chronicle is listening? Your guess is just as good as mine.


And now, the story...

Studio 7 linked to NUST demo
By Brian Chitemba (The Chronicle 17 February 2006)

A pirate radio station, Studio 7 allegedly paid National University of Science and Technology students to stage violent demonstrations at the campus on Wednesday, Chronicle has learnt.

Sources at the university told this newspaper yesterday that Studio 7 employees based in the city held a meeting with the students on Wednesday morning.During the meeting they allegedly bought beer and gave money to some of the students so that they could lead the protests.

A source said the students were urged to cause unrest in order for the anti-Government pirate radio station to discredit the State in its bulletins.

Following the meeting, the students went on a rampage and destroyed property worth billions of dollars at the administration block on the pretext that they were not happy with the increase of fees from $3 million to between $30 million and $90 million.

“According to our investigations, the students were paid to destroy property at the institution. The students were used by anti-Government elements bent on tarnishing the image of the country,” said the source.

“The students held a meeting on Wednesday between 10 am and 11am and from the hall they stormed the administration block demanding to be addressed by the Vice-Chancellor Professor Lindela Ndlovu. The meeting had been called to discuss the issue of fees hikes. What’s disturbing is that some of the students were quoted by Studio 7 on Wednesday night saying negative things about the Government.”

The source said investigations also revealed an opposition party had a hand in the demonstrations.“We are still gathering information but we believe a certain opposition party might have played a big role in mobilising the students to be rowdy,” he said.

The source said the students had no reason to protest because the university had not sent them home for failing to pay fees.

Convoluted utter rubbish or what? You tell me.

Tanzania bans the Mini. Are we next?

THE old geezers in Tanzania have banned the mini skirt. It had to come sometime. They claim that the very liberal fashion item causes of AIDS. Really? While I won’t go into the temerity or otherwise of that argument, may I be allowed to pause to think deeply over the dire ramification the move will be to the entire male species. Coming as it does on the eve of Valentine’s Day was in extreme bad taste to say the least.

Now let me get this straight. All those years ago the loin cloth was just about the only thing that separated women (and men) from being lashed for indecent exposure. Ogling wasn't even an issue until the missionaries ambled over with their sweet talk about morals and civilisation. Talk about double standards. They even had problems convincing the locals that they were half naked...or is it half dressed?

What really seems to be the problem? Some nerd hypothesised the link between rape and the wearing of mini-skirts. I will be the first to admit that there are perverts prowling the streets who are turned into raving sex maniacs at the slightest sight of thigh. No, not chicken thigh stupid! My beef is on why they have punish the rest of us just because some demented misfits fail to contain their wild urges? But to link the mini to the spread of HIV really takes the cake.

Mini-skirts may admittedly pose a traffic hazard. Then the road safety chaps have to quantify the number of car accidents that are the direct result of drivers being distracted by women wearing minis. That, I am sad to say, is yet to happen. I have read somewhere that there are women who try to influence the outcome of their driving tests by wearing skimpies. Well, the silence from the direction of the Driving Instructors and Inspectors Association on this allegation is certainly deafening. This assumes that there is a propensity among males to stop thinking rationally at the sight of an exposed part of the female anatomy. Really!

The billion Zimbabwe dollar question is; why do ladies choose to wear minis? To show more leg of course! Interestingly enough they still go through all those motions of trying to pull the miniscule item clothing back over their exposed legs, creating more attention in the process. Its all part of the act if you ask me. Ask the feminists and they will tell you that they are exercising one of their basic freedoms – the freedom of expression; the freedom to expose themselves! Which explains why the old men of Tanzania are so worked up. Its not anyone's fault that they are over the hill. Try Viagra, for God's sake!

Not that I mind at all. I have to endure many a elbow in the ribcage as I take too long a glance at a perfect specimen...in the company of the wife. In our language there is a saying; A brave warrior dies in the thick of the battle! Count me among the war veterans. My eyes refuse to follow clear instructions every time. Like every hot blooded male, I have to admit that they do make the environment look more interesting in a manner of speaking. They add a bit of – eh – ouch! More colour!

Today’s woman is daring enough to take the risk in the name of fashion. Pity they now have to contend with Mother Grundy in Tanzania. In Zimbabwe, we await the inevitable with a sore heart (and ribs) indeed.

"The Wheels have certainly come off!"

Latest media reports (Friday 10 February 2006) indicate that President Thabo Mbeki's patience with Zimbabwe have surely run thin. In an interview with the SABC last Sunday, Mbeki showed a degree of impatience with events north of the border with South Africa and even went on to hint that the power outages and the reported directive to SA oil companies to cut supplies to Harare were "certainly part of that pressure, but more by the law of unintended consequences than hard design."

"If this (the shortages) illustrates the extent of their reliance on South Africa, then it is all good and well," Mbeki is quoted as saying quite omniously for the Mugabe regime.

For long, many Zimbabweans and South Africans have criticised the South African president's so-called "quiet diplomacy." Among them, former Zimbabwe information guru turned opposition MP, Jonathan Moyo waded into the fray fresh from his ignominious fall from the Zanu PF gravy train. Here I republish that article written last year coutersy of Trevor Ncube's Mail and Guardian. I advise that you also read my earlier article, "Lest We Forget..." to give a bit of context as to where Jonathan Moyo is coming from.


What is Thabo Mbeki trying to achieve?
By Jonathan Moyo Mail and Guardian ©2005

11 August 2005

President Thabo Mbeki and his government are desperately trying to limit public embarrassment over the widely publicised political conditions they have reportedly attached to an emergency bail-out for President Robert Mugabe. They should have followed the diplomatic principle enunciated by classical Greek dramatist Euripides - that a foreign ally need not own the land it seeks to help.

In fairness, there is no evidence that Mbeki wants to own Zimbabwe. But there are many indications that he wants to own the solution to the Zimbabwean crisis.

Mbeki's so-called "quiet diplomacy" has now become a very loud affair. For the first time his efforts to broker a solution to the Zimbabwean quagmire are at risk of irretrievably crumbling, with far--reaching consequences for South Africa's capacity to influence regional and continental affairs. It seems Mugabe has once more outfoxed Mbeki in a high-stakes diplomatic standoff over the resolution of the crisis that has dogged the latter's presidency since 1999.

Through his outburst earlier this week against South African calls for him to open new dialogue with the opposition, the Zimbabwean president has opportunistically put himself in a win-win position over the loan debacle. Either his beleaguered Zanu-PF government will ultimately get the loan sought from South Africa, with the usual financial securities but without the reported political conditions attached to it, or South Africa will not grant the loan because of Mugabe's rejection of the political conditions. In the latter case, Mbeki will be exposed as a duplicitous Machiavellian who conveniently waves the pan-African solidarity flag while using methods that smack of imperialism against a desperate neighbour and comrade in need.


The way the political conditionality was reported in the South African media over the weekend did not help Mbeki. There was an authoritative ring to the coverage that the South African government had given Mugabe and Zanu-PF a week to sign up to a series of tough reforms that included talking to the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC), adopting a new constitution with the agreement of the MDC, repealing media and security laws, undoing the negative consequences of the recent land reform programme and holding fresh elections. Clearly, the reports had been planted or leaked by government sources.

In diplomacy, whether quiet or loud, parties committed to the attainment of well-defined objectives in sensitive negotiations do not leak or plant media reports before agreement has been reached.

To do so guarantees the collapse of negotiations. Mugabe's outburst against the reported political conditionality could have been avoided by keeping the tricky aspects of the horse-trading under wraps until the necessary signatures were appended.

Why, then, did the leaks happen? Perhaps those responsible were mischievous elements in, or associated with, the South African government, who did not want the loan deal successfully concluded from the outset. The leak could also have come from the International Monetary Fund, or even Zimbabwean government officials who wanted to ensure that the deal went nowhere because they are profiting from the crisis.

From the outset, the Zimbabwean government's position was that any loan would be a purely financial transaction with the usual guarantees and securities put up by the central banks and treasuries of the two nations, without a political trade-off.

Two recent statements by Mbeki must have reinforced Mugabe's belief that South Africa was on his side and would not try to force political concessions from him. In one case, he said the Zimbabwean government had not undertaken a meaningful land reform programme in the 1980s and early 1990s because African states, through Tanzania's Mwalimu Nyerere, persuaded Mugabe not to scare South African whites before the end of apartheid and the attainment of democracy in South Africa.

As Mugabe has said this all along, this must have been music to his ears.

On another occasion, Mbeki said the debt owed by Zimbabwe was legitimate and had nothing to do with corruption. Debt had started accumulating soon after independence in 1980 when the Zimbabwe government embarked on education and health reforms to redress racial imbalances.

If Mbeki understood these two fundamental issues, Mugabe reasoned, he would be the last to turn a straightforward loan request into a diplomatic trap using the political conditions all Third World countries detest. This is why in his outburst this week, Mugabe referred to Mbeki and the ANC government as "those we expected to know better".

Mbeki's diplomatic initiative to resolve the Zimbabwean political and economic crisis has been conspicuous by its lack of clear and well-defined objectives that can be measured in determining the initiative's failure or success.

What exactly does he want to achieve? What are the objectives of "quiet diplomacy"? Is he trying to bring the MDC to power, to keep Zanu-PF in power, or get Zanu-PF and the MDC to form a coalition government, or what?

"Getting Zimbabweans to resolve their own problems by talking to each other" is not an objective worthy of a diplomatic onslaught. You can get Zimbabweans to talk to each other without agreeing on anything until the cows come home. You can also get Zanu-PF and the MDC to agree to a coalition government where a few MDC leaders become ministers or deputy ministers. This, too, would not lead to any changes in Zimbabwe's national governance or policies, except that MDC ministers would effectively become Zanu-PF.

Some Zanu-PF old-guard elements, supported by some MDC leaders, want Mugabe arm-twisted into accepting the reported political conditions, with a reform time-table that would involve him retiring in 2008 and scrapping presidential elections due then in order to hold them together with parliamentary elections in 2010. At that stage, a new constitution agreed between Zanu-PF and the MDC would come into effect, while 2008 to 2010 would be a transitional period presided over by Joyce Mujuru as caretaker president and Zanu-PF's presidential candidate in 2010.

This too would not resolve the ongoing crisis in terms of the objectionable policies that are bleeding Zimbabwe.

If Mbeki's quiet diplomacy seeks any of the above, the contradictions exposed by the loan debacle are certain to be its graveyard. This is because the Zimbabwean crisis has become wider and deeper than Mbeki's noisy quiet diplomacy can deal with. Zimbabweans have lost all hope not just in Mugabe and Zanu-PF, but also in Morgan Tsvangirai and the MDC. They are looking for an ideological and policy alternative to ensure that Zimbabwe will never again be a colony, never again be a tyranny and never again be a basket case.

Jonathan Moyo is a Zimbabwean MP and Robert Mugabe's former information chief

Moyo: That was then ...
"There is no food crisis in Zimbabwe. There is no food crisis in Bulawayo." -- September 22 2004

"Where the army is deployed, people should not expect a picnic." -- On the deployment of the army against civilians, April 11 2003

"Mercenaries of any kind, whether carrying the sword or the pen, must and will be exposed, and they will suffer the full consequences of the law." -- March 11 2004

"Next time you send us a letter, we will put it in the dustbin and we have concluded that you do not deserve to be taken seriously." -- In a reply to a letter of complaint by Reporters Sans Frontires after the arrest of journalists in Zimbabwe, April 17 2002
"It is absolutely unreasonable to suggest that because we have undertaken to curb violence that there should be no single person throwing a stone in Zimbabwe. We're talking about Zimbabwe, not heaven." -- On pre-election violence, March 3 2002

"Thomas Jefferson said it was better to have newspapers without government. He was very, very wrong. It is far better to have government without newspapers." -- February 1 2002

"If the apartheid press expects us to treat them with kid gloves and allow them to roam around our country, then they don't understand where they are." -- On the South African media, December 19 2001

"When a political party has no loyalty, then it should not expect to be treated fairly." -- On denying media access to the opposition MDC, October 4 2004

"It is clear to anyone who can read the writing on the wall that Zanu-PF is the future." -- July 31 2001

"An article is not a bible where you have written the truth once and for all and for all time, and the environment is frozen. One has to look at the context." -- On his metamorphosis from critic to Mugabe apologist, March 1 2001

"A passport is a privilege and not a right." -- On the withdrawal of passports of government critics, February 16 2001

Why are we always running late?

There is one thing that we Zimbabweans are so averse to, and that is keeping time. I’ve met dozens of people who are always running late (and that, of course includes me.) Many of them have apparently never heard of that great invention called the watch.

Among those who have received news about the technological breakthrough, some consider a watch nothing more than a piece of jewellery. If it didn’t display the time, they wouldn’t care, as long as it displayed important information such as "Seiko" or "Rolex."

Most of us have never owned a watch. We think they can do without one, even though we don’t work for the civil service. If I have an important appointment, I try to keep track of time by looking at the sun. If not, I rely on people around me. I last wore a watch in 1996 when I was overseas where time is money. The idea was to sell it immediately I back home. You see, here, money is money. Never forget the danger of being mugged as well.

Of the public clocks that we have here in Bulawayo, its only the one at the City Hall that works most of the time. The one at the Main Post Office has never worked for as long as I can remember. I need not mention the one at the High Court. I’m sure it got stuck at that time when some notorious criminal was hanged ages ago. In fact, there are some who believe that Bulawayo is the city where time stood still. If you compare us to Harare interms of development, that is.

Women are classic time wasters. If one is expected to be at a function at 6pm, one would assume that if you are ready to leave before 5.30pm, you are bound to get there right on time. But the woman has only just entered the bathroom, which means that you still have enough time to read a 200-page novel. Most women in their defence are much better at keeping time than many people I know. And I say that not just because I hate sleeping on the sofa.

People from certain countries seem more inclined to be late. For example, if a Swede invited a Zimbabwean and an Indian to lunch at 1pm, the Zimbabwean will arrive at 3pm, unless he gets a lift from his Indian friend, in which case they will both arrive just in time for supper. And neither of them will act as if anything went wrong.

"Apologise? What for? We got here on the same day!"

My friends at our social soccer club Amavevane have tried to adjust to this chronic disease. For example, if we want to play social soccer at 11pm we ask team members to assemble at 9am for them to arrive at 11am, ensuring that the game will start promptly at 1pm. It's far much better than buying them expensive watches.

However, we will never beat the National Railways of Zimbabwe’s shoddy record of constantly not keeping to their timetable. With such a record, who needs a timetable? The night train leaves late as a matter of principle. Never mind the fact that it arrives in Harare a full day later. Remember, why apologise, at least it arrives this century. The chaps at the NRZ perhaps may rest assured that they fare better than Air Zimbabwe, whose planes never seem to take off.

I have bosses who are very irritated when meeting starts late. Never mind the fact that very little if anything is achieved at these marathon meetings, as long as it starts on time, everything is fine. Perhaps I should buy myself those huge clocks to hang around my necks as a reminder that I should not waste other peoples’ time. In any event, which mugger would find a Zobo clock attractive?

Not just another can of worms

Hurrah, they are here! My favorite dish has crawled back onto my late after an absence of close to two painful years! I had a fried plate last night and look forward to the cooked creepy crawlies tomorrow! Wanna puke? Don't do it here my dear friend, but then it could be worse. Take those who choose to feast on crab, snail (or is it escargot?) horse, snake, insect, frog, grub, lizard, rat, bat, cat, dog, grasshopper, octopus, tortoise, seal, lobster, prawns, eel, or monkey. Me, I just go for mopane worms.

The caterpillars of the anomalous emperor moth Imbrasia belina, mopane worms are a culinary sensation here in Zimbabwe and the rest of Central and Southern Africa. They are named after the Mopane, a tree that is common in semi-arid areas whose big clover-like leaves are what the worms feast on during metamorphosis. For the poverty stricken people of the region, the Mopane worm, or amacimbi in the local language, is manna from heaven.

The guts are removed through squeezing and the worms are then boiled and left for a day to dry out in the sun. Once dried, they can be used at any time for cooking and the result is a juicy and salty treat.

The Mopane worm has all but replaced traditional agricultural produce as a source of nutrition and income. From the onset of the rain season, when the Mopane forms its telltale leaves, the worms emerge from their cocoons and crawl down the tree. So do worm gatherers from all corners for the harvest.

The worm catching is in itself a spectacle to behold. Scores of people are fanned across the sparse bushes, carrying containers of every conceivable shape and size, filling them to the brim with nature's bounty. The worms are a delicacy mainly among the black population. Connoisseurs say that there are more than 20 ways to prepare the mopane worm dishes. Take them fried as a snack, cooked with tomatoes and onions, boiled or simply dried (See recipes below.) One enterprising entrepreneur has even contemplated canning them.

Whichever way they are prepared, health experts wax lyrical about the dietary advantages of Mopane worms. They more contain protein and roughage than ordinary oats. Posters at health centers in the rural areas recommend the worms as supplement for pregnant women and those living with HIV.

There are those among us who would only eat Mopane worms at gunpoint. The reason is purely psychological. Admittedly, it takes one some time to acquire the taste. One just has to get over the initial phobia that associates the worms with other creepy-crawlies, experts say. In some cases this is blamed on adults who discouraged their children from eating the worms at an early age. This is in spite of the fact that the adults themselves grew up on a diet of worms.

The edible worms are just irresistible in a continent where hunger and famine stalks the land. Their respect knows no borders. They can be found gracing the dinner tables of many households in South Africa, Zambia, Namibia, Botswana and Mozambique. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC) demand is outstripping supply with a kilogram fetching as much as US$5.

However, there are parts of the continent where the worms are, let’s say, despised. During a trip to Uganda in 1994, the writer attracted strange looks from his hosts when he tried to convince them that there was absolutely nothing wrong with having Mopane worms for dinner. A glossy magazine article that I presented as evidence, including graphic color photographs, only made things worse. In freezing Sweden, Scandinavian hosts could hardly disguise their shock when their Zimbabwean guests attempted to allay their fears describing in graphic detail how good the grubs tasted like. What else besides these awful things did these people eat, they wondered.

Back in Zimbabwe, hundreds of people flock to the southern regions from all corners to get a piece of the action. Predictably, politicians have also waded into the fray. Here, anything that smells of money attracts politicians like flies to a carcass. Government officials complain about the exploitation of poor rural villagers by unscrupulous traders who peg the price at 500,000 Zimbabwean dollars (US$4) for a 20-litre bucket. The going market rate is US$5 a kilogram in the DRC.

Local authorities in areas where Mopane worms are harvested have been vigorously campaigning for a ban on 'outsiders' cashing in on what is regarded by them as an exclusive resource. The issue has turned political and emotions run high at harvest time when scuffles break out between villagers and traders from the city. In Botswana, landowners charge the gatherers a fee for both camping on their property and harvesting.

These traders are sometimes accused of showing little respect for local customs and in turn, the environment. They needlessly chop down trees and desecrate sacred traditional shrines. At least one local authority is issuing licenses to approved traders while others insist on the locals doing the picking themselves and later selling the worms at set prices.

Unfortunately, at the height of the worm-picking season, poor and desperate villagers accept anything they are offered in return, from bags of corn meal, cups and plates to items of clothing in exchange for buckets of the worms. This has made them easy picking for unscrupulous buyers who are out to make a quick and easy buck.

Mopane worms are the salvation to an economically depressed and poverty stricken region. For a continent always reaching out its hand for assistance, the worms offer an opportunity for its people to improve their wretched lives. And they are not going to let any outsider take away their God given right.

RECIPES

Mopane Worm Stew
Ingredients: Dried mopane worms, Tomato (sliced), Onions (chopped), butter or cooking oil, chili sauce (to taste,) salt, pepper and garlic salt to taste Method:

Soak mopane worms in water until soft.
Fry onions in butter or cooking oil.
Add rest of ingredients and cook over slow heat until tender.
Serve with isitswala or sadza (pap or maize meal.)

Method 2
Ingredients 1 cup of dried mopane worms, 1 onion, chopped, 2 green peppers, sliced, 6 tomatoes, diced, 1 tablespoon curry powder, and ½ litre water.

Preparation Wash the worms and boil them for 30 minutes. Drain, then add the rest of the ingredients and simmer for about an hour.

Mopane worms can also be soaked then fried to a crispy TV snack. Yum, yum, yum!

Waiting for a miracle?

It was in the twilight of the year 2001 that I sat with the chaps in the Dog Section of Selbourne hotel. So called because of the barred windows that only allow those outside a cursory glimpse of what goes on inside. The inhabitants have the privilege of scanning the landscape and the creatures that populate it - including various species of the opposite sex who will be totally unaware that they are being watched. ‘Oggled’ is the correct word for it.

All this is beside the point. The Dog Section refers to the King’s Head bar, melting pot of every opinion about every subject under the sun. The characters therein are as eccentric as the shades of opinion they are wont to defend. So the subject of the political dispensation in Zimbabwe was not so far fetched. Here was bound to be differences. In fact a wide chasm was soon to appear. On the one side where those who were optimistic that Zimbabwe had reached rock bottom and that the only way was up.

The Constitutional Referendum was all but a few months away and we were confident that the people would reject it. Not so much because it was being driven by Zanu PF, but because even at face value, it was an obnoxious piece of paper. The other end of the scale was bent on pooping the party, saying that the rejection of the constitution would be a big mistake and a missed opportunity for Zimbabweans to turn a new leaf. Up until today I am convinced those that supported that school of thought new something that the rest of us didn’t.

Six land and arduous years later, after the war vet pensions, land invasions, The DRC war and Jonathan Moyo we are far worse off than we ever imagined. We blame the government of gross mismanagement and they blame Tony Blair and George Bush. Evidently the chasm is on how we will ever get out of this rut. In fact, most of the population has lost hope that solution will ever come out of the current crop of leaders who are not only clueless but they seem not to give a damn.

Blame storming will get us nowhere. This is why I have resolved to take a different course of action in 2006 and beyond. I have stopped complaining about what his government is doing to me and the rest of us, that is, screwing us into the ground. I avoid answering greeting in the negative. I will look for opportunities where others see none. I refuse to wallow in despair and dejection. I have a talent, nay, talents that I can use to lift myself, family and community from the rut. The reality is that my patience is wearing thin, I hit 42 this year, and clearly time is not on my side.

While the rest are waiting for a miracle that may never come, I will create that miracle. You will know that I am there, making a difference, getting fabulously successful and wealthy and having a good time while doing it. Love or hate me, I will be in your face…permanently. Just you watch me. God help me.