Lest we forget...

Jonathan Nathaniel Manheru ‘Mzala Joe’ Moyo, former government wizard of spin, committed political hara-kiri by going independent in Tsholotsho in the last elections or so we thought. Arriving at the nomination courts 15 minutes before their closure, Moyo virtually handed in a political suicide note in the form of his nomination papers much to the delight of the crowd that thronged the court buildings.

The former junior minister’ fate then reminded one of those Humpty Dumpty rhymes – “All the Tsholotsho chiefs’ donkeys and all the chiefs’ men, could not put the egg-shape headed professor back again!” The man who claimed to have saved the Party (meaning Zanu PF) from sinking into oblivion was reeling from its venom. But then, Moyo went on to defy all odds to grab the Tsholotsho seat as an independent! Which says a lot about the people from that region. The rest as they say was history.

One thing became crystal clear; that Jonah’s coterie of praise singers and bootlickers in the state media would certainly get what was coming to them. The Chronicle’s Steve Ndlovu was first to be shown the door. Others are being lined up at the door. It’s a matter of time.

It was Peter Hobday, broadcaster and former presenter of BBC’s Today programme who once said, “Journalists, it is alleged, are an egocentric, single-minded, cynical, unforgiving bunch who have only one wish in life and that is to dig the dirt and ruin reputation, regardless of the facts.” He took the words out of my mouth only that he forgot to replace the word ‘journalists’ with ‘Special Project Editors” that group of hair-brained megaphones pretending to be investigative scribes.

One can safely conclude, without batting an eyelid, that Zimpapers under Jonathan Moyo was his longest suicide note in the history of politics. Now he is the sell-out, a title only reserved to the piss of the earth in ruling party definition. His is persona non grata in their pages. Its as if he never existed. Surprisingly, the very independent press that he was instrumental in oppressing is falling over each other to grant him space. It is one of life’s greatest ironies if you ask me.

We will definitely see some changes at Zimpapers with some editors looking for new accommodation in Dangamvura, Macheke or even Domboramavara. I couldn’t care less if they were shipped to Siberia. Out too will be the acid pens of fifth columnists, whose diction was suspiciously Jonathanic in shape and form, libelous, sacrilegious and downright vulgar. No journalist with all his screws in the right place would ever have dared put his signature to such drivel.

We hoped that Moyo’s departure would save us from some of the most moronic brand of reporting this side of the galaxy. He of ‘rocket scientist’ fame will be remembered by many of his uncanny ability to churn out clichés by the bucketful. They crept into every editorial in the state media to the extent that one suspected that he that he personally penned every one of those stories. The man had such stamina.

But lo and behold we are saddled with the not so Bright – aaah! - Matonga. The wet behind the ears deputy minister of Disinformation clearly needs an intelligent interpreter to decipher for us all those aaaahs and uumms that punctuate his speech. And Rueeeben Barwe is still there in his breathtakingly stupid glory. The man who took bootlicking to unprecedented depths is still groveling for his supper.

We in Zimbabwe are all in agreement on the urgent sanitization of that collection of mediocrity masquerading as a broadcasting company, Zimbabwe Broadcasting Holdings. Perish that awful experiment in spacing radio stations to give the impression of opening up the airwaves, or that perennial excuse called National Television which has been ‘coming soon’ for ages.

And the public should be happy too, that they are rid of a man created so much resentment and anger for the party through his acts in restricting their behaviour. In media studies, psychological reactance theory refers to legacy of the Moyo that was a “deliberate and systematic attempt to shape perceptions, manipulate cognitions and direct behaviour to achieve a response that furthers the desired intent of the propagandist.” - with apologies to media lecturer Kevin Moloney.

Perhaps happy days are around the corner. I hear Minister for Policy Implementation and former disk jockey Webster Shamu commissioned an inquiry at the national broadcaster whose juicy parts have just been leaked. It talks of carpet interviews, incompetent newsmen (as if didn’t we know), the dubious and economically bankrupt 100% local rubbish (sorry) content policy at Power FM and many other things that would make the at the back of your neck stand up. We await with bated breath perceived changes at Dead BC and the state press.

ARROGANCE PERSONIFIED

I have published this week a picture of me sitting on a pile of stones. This intriguing yet symbolic photograph was taken in Sweden at a place called Kungsgraven (King’s Grave) sometime in 1995. The epitaph “Sitting on Zimbabwe Ruins” is poignant in the sense that it portrays the state of my beloved country at this very moment in time. To say that we are sitting on the ruins of a once admired and beautiful country is an understatement. We are well and truly “fucked,” to excuse the hard language, because there is no fairer description.

President Mugabe has just returned from a much-publicized begging jaunt in China, them being just about the only friends we have left in the whole wide world. The Libyans lost patience with us a long time ago and the oil pumps dried up immediately afterwards. We are not privy to the information on the thousands of acres of land the North Africans were plied with in return for barrels of motion lotion. The rumour is that Mugabe, also known as uKhulu (which is a polite alternative to ‘geriatric.’) to some of us, has promised the Chinese all our platinum and copper reserves. I said it was a rumour.

Cuba has little else to offer other than half-baked doctors. African states, poor as they are, can do little except cheer from the sidelines…as long as the pariah of the world does not set foot in their countries and smear them with whatever is keeping western donors as far away as possible from our doorstep. Besides these two, who else is friendly? South Africa? Not on your life! Mbeki is stocking the fire because he is gaining immensely from our demise. They call it “Cash Cow” diplomacy.

The words of the South African president at the national land summit in Johannesburg at the weekend and quoted in the local press gave very little comfort to us Zimbabweans. It displays the bankruptcy of African leadership. How can he stand up and defend the indefensible, Zimbabweans ask? We thought that was the job of clueless Zimbabwean government ministers and our stuttering state propaganda machinery.

I quote, “ The debt problem in Zimbabwe is the result of the demand to meet the urgent needs of the people after liberation, the Government of Zimbabwe spent more money than it had.” He was implying that it was not because of political and economic mismanagement. One would be forgiven for thinking that Mbeki received the speech straight from our own spin-doctors. If we were to give him the benefit of doubt, we could say perhaps he was misquoted.

Let’s get back to Ukhulu (Grandpa) who came from China with a basket full of…nothing. Zimbabwe, as you know by now, was the breadbasket of the region. Sadly, we are now a basket case. The painful part is that our dear leaders are in a state of denial. They are not responsible, the say, for the morass we find ourselves in. If you have studied management, I am sure that you have come across somewhere where it says that the hallmark of good leadership is acknowledging when you are wrong.