WORK is a four-letter word. This holds true for those of us who are effort disinclined, or put more simply, lazy. But have you ever felt you are working too hard, for too long, for too little? Well before you pour out your grief, you have to contend with those people who give far less than what they get in the form of remuneration. They are called ‘Bosses.’ They are likely to label you as lazy when you may be exercising your rights in ‘rationing production.’We must admit though that there are some who spoil things for the rest of us by being blatantly lazy. They deserve to be frozen, downgraded or better still, ‘right-sized, yes, I mean retrenched!
Fortunately there seems to be a way around this problem. Psychologists and experts in the art of deception (cheats) have studied activities that on the surface give the impression that one can be a sure candidate for being ‘Worker of the Year’ when in actual fact they are just lazing around. Here are tried and tested strategies for creating the false impression that one was ‘working hard’. Keep them confidential. An over enthusiastic former colleague forwarded them to his boss’s e-mail address by mistake. As they say, he is now history.
But then I digress. One should never walk down the corridor without a document in his or her hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings, when they are not. Those with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. When holding a newspaper in your hands, look like you're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the ruse that you work longer hours than you actually do. Though, of course, it would be hard to justify a claim for those extra hours.
This is one is my favourite… use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When your boss catches you, and you “will” get caught, your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving the company valuable training dollars.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. For this reason a friend’s office looks as if it was on the path of Operation Murambatsvina. To the casual observer, last year's work looks much the same as today's work; it's volume that count. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your office or cubicle, bury the document you'll find halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when they arrive.
Never answer your phone. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing. They call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through reception. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there. You see, one can never tell what time the message was left. It will look as if you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious mampara.
If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy. Speak fast, and stand at the door, ready to rush back to your office. Even pick up the phone when he comes into your office and look engrossed in a business call that gives the impression that it will result in millions of dollars flowing into the company account.
Appear to work late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could tackle magazines and novels that you always wanted to read or surf the Internet but had no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss's office on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 2:05am, etc.) and during weekends and public holidays and make sure the boss sees the copies, with the times highlighted for extra effect.
“Creative Sighing for Effect” strategy also works wonders. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor. You can always borrow from the library. Thick computer manuals are the best. This is known as the ‘stacking’ strategy.
Always make sure you build on your vocabulary, or more accurately, superfluous wording that can be thrown around liberally. Sounds more like a political speech, a lot of hot air signifying totally nothing. To achieve this, read up on some legal journals and pick out all the jargon. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses and it will sure knock them for six. They won't have to understand what you say but, ipso facto, you will surely sound impressive.
Finally and most importantly, a friendly warning: don't forward this to your boss by mistake. What do you mean YOU are the boss?
Glossary
Operation ‘Murambatvina’
(Lit: Operation Reject Filth in the Shona language). An ill thought out operation by the Mugabe government in Zimbabwe were thousands were made homeless as the state went on a orgy of destruction in the urban areas on the pretext that they were cleaning up. Coincidentally, it is the urban population that has consistently voted for the opposition Movement for Democratic Change in successive parliamentary elections.
Mampara
Vernacular for a very irresponsible person. The South African broadsheet the Sunday Times pillories mamparadom in politicians and celebrities culminating in a ‘Mampara of the Year’ award. Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe and former government spin-doctor Jonathan Moyo have been past recipients of the award.
